Mixed emotions

Sometimes I am difficult even for me, to understand “ME”. So I am writing down what I am feeling now-a- days.

I want to,

Scream so loudly that my throat should just get damaged,

Be so silent that people should not even know that I am in the same room,

Cry so hard that I should forget the world around me,

Laugh heartily,

Hurt anybody and everybody in sight,

Repair myself,

Break stuff,

Just sit and stare as if everybody and everything has done injustice to me,

Hurl things at everybody,

Hit everything in sight,

Be really alone,

Be surrounded by tons of people,

Run as fast as I can,

Sit really still – so still that people should come and poke me just to make sure I am alive.

Lately, I am experiencing all these at the same time, and managing it has become impossible. So,

I tried to

Ignore this,

Go on a long drive alone,

Go on a long drive with friends,

Go on a long drive with family,

Find a mid way for all this - abusing everything and everybody,

Over eat,

Starve,

Scream at everybody.

I even tried to donate blood, But I got sent back because I had low hemoglobin content. How bad can your luck be???

But trust me, nothing works. I am at a loss. And most probably people who read this will think that I need a one way ticket to Nimhans. But I can’t help it, I am actually lost. Really lost.

I want to make a resolution this year which I hope will help me get rid of this mixed emotions.

“I will let go. And learn to say – This too shall pass.”

And I hope this “letting go” will help me come out of this ghastly condition. Wish me luck.